Bernd is one of the most passionate, energetic and dedicated-to-improvement people I know. He assisted me to get to the core of the change I needed to make, and then walked me through a process to make it stick. I leave every conversation with Bernd with a sense of focus and with action items to work on.
Client,ย August 2024
In my previous article โThe Unseen Architects of Self-Sabotageโ I wrote:ย The saboteurs are the internal voices and thought patterns that generate negative emotions and undermine our well-being and effectiveness.ย They are habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and reacting that developed as survival mechanisms in childhood but become self-defeating in adulthood.ย Disarming our saboteurs is an ongoing process that requires awareness, practice, and self-compassion.ย By consistently applying these strategies, we can gradually weaken their influence and cultivate a more positive, empowered, and fulfilling inner experience.
This article reflects on our Unseen Architects of Self-Sabotage, our Inner Critics through the lens of Neuroscience which in recent years has dramatically improved our understanding of the human brain.ย Now it can explain the origins of these self-defeating voices and the mechanisms and what we can do to cultivate a more positive and effective inner landscape.
Neuroscience can prove that our Thoughts create our Feelings and our Feelings generate Actions that we take and those Actions will provide us with Results and has measured that we have between 40 to 70 thousand thoughts each day.ย How many are we conscious about?ย How many of those many thoughts are we remembering at the end of the day?ย Are those thoughts inspiring and uplifting or are they negative?
When we are born we are dependent on our caregiver for our survival, for our physical and emotional needs until our adulthood.ย Our brains are wired to learn quickly about our environment and how to navigate it to ensure our survival and get our needs met.ย We observe and internalize the behaviors, beliefs, and emotional responses of the adults and significant figures around us.ย We learn what seems to "work" to gain attention, approval, or avoid negative consequences.ย ย
Image from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/anatomy-of-the-brain
The early years of life are a period of intense neural plasticity, where the brain rapidly forms connections based on experiences and interactions with caregivers.ย Children are highly attuned to their environment, learning what behaviors elicit safety, approval, or attention. These learned responses, particularly those driven by fear or the need for validation, can become deeply etched into neural pathways within the more primitive regions of the brain, including the brainstem and limbic system.ย
The limbic system, responsible for emotions, memory, and motivation, plays a crucial role in encoding these early emotional experiences and shaping our automatic responses to similar situations later in life. For instance, a child who learns that achievement is the primary way to gain parental approval may develop a strong "Hyper-Achiever" Saboteur, driven by neural pathways linking performance to feelings of worthiness.
These early strategies, while potentially helpful for navigating childhood situations, can become ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving.ย As we mature into adulthood, these patterns may no longer be necessary or helpful and can even become self-sabotaging. They become the "voices" in our heads..
These repeated patterns of thinking and reacting become "soft-coded" in our brains through neural pathways.ย When similar situations arise in adulthood, these pathways can be triggered, causing us to react in ways that are driven by our childhood survival strategies rather than our present-day needs and capabilities.ย ย
Furthermore, the development of what Positive Intelligence calls the "Judge," the master Saboteur that criticizes ourselves and others, can be understood through the lens of early social learning and the maturation of the prefrontal cortex.ย
While the prefrontal cortex, responsible for higher-level cognitive functions like reasoning and judgment, continues to develop throughout adolescence, early exposure to critical or judgmental environments can lead to the internalization of these patterns.ย
These internalized criticisms can then become automatic neural loops, constantly scanning for flaws and reinforcing negative self-perceptions.ย The left hemisphere's tendency towards analytical and judgmental processing, when unchecked by the more holistic and empathetic functions of the right hemisphere, can further fuel the Judge's relentless commentary.
However, we have a counterpoint to the dominance of these Saboteur-driven neural pathways.ย We have an inner wisdom which represents a more positive and resourceful inner self, characterized by five core powers: Empathy, Gratitude, Curiosity, Innovation, and Purpose.
Neuroscientifically, activating theย inner self wisdom involves engaging more evolved areas of the brain, particularly the middle prefrontal cortex.ย This region is critical for self-awareness, emotional regulation, and insightful thinking.ย
Moreover, the "empathy circuitry," a network of brain regions involved in understanding and sharing the feelings of others, is central to the inner self wisdom capacity for compassion and connection.ย The right hemisphere's involvement in holistic thinking, intuition, and creativity also aligns with the inner self wisdom Explore and Innovate powers.
Consistent engagement in exercises strengthens the neural pathways associated with the inner self wisdom, positive emotions and cognitive functions.ย By intentionally directing attention and energy towards these more constructive states.ย Individuals can literally rewire their brains over time.ย
This process is analogous to learning a new skill;ย repeated practice strengthens the relevant neural connections, making the desired behavior or thought pattern more automatic and accessible.ย Conversely, by consciously disengaging from Saboteur thoughts and reactions, the associated neural pathways become less dominant through a process akin to neural pruning, where less-used connections are weakened.
By identifying the brain regions and neural pathways associated with both our negative and positive internal voices, and by providing practical techniques to intentionally strengthen the latter. Positive Intelligence as well as Coaching offers a neuroscientifically informed pathway towards greater mental fitness, well-being, and the realization of our full potential. The ability to consciously shape our neural landscape through consistent mental practice underscores the remarkable adaptability of the human brain and the potential for cultivating a more positive and empowering inner dialogue.
Summary
Neuroscience has measured that we humans have 40 to 70 thousand thoughts a day.ย Thoughts create Feelings and Feelings create Action that we take and those Actions generate Results.ย ย
Our negative inner voices, our saboteurs were once our "guardians," helping us navigate the complexities of childhood. However, as adults, these ingrained patterns can hinder our happiness, well-being, and performance. Recognizing the origins of these saboteurs in our childhood can be the first step towards understanding and weakening their influence,ย
Survival in Childhood: As children, we are highly dependent on our caregivers for our physical and emotional needs. Our brains are wired to learn quickly about our environment and how to navigate it to ensure our survival and get our needs met.ย ย
Learned Patterns: We observe and internalize the behaviors, beliefs, and emotional responses of the adults and significant figures around us. We learn what seems to "work" to gain attention, approval, or avoid negative consequences.ย ย
Guardians Evolving into Saboteurs: These early strategies, while potentially helpful for navigating childhood situations, can become ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. As we mature into adulthood, these patterns may no longer be necessary or helpful and can even become self-sabotaging. They become the "voices" in our heads.
Neural Pathways: These repeated patterns of thinking and reacting become "soft-coded" in our brains through neural pathways. When similar situations arise in adulthood, these pathways can be triggered, causing us to react in ways that are driven by our childhood survival strategies rather than our present-day needs and capabilities.ย ย
Example: The Hyper-Achiever Saboteur: A child might learn that the only way to gain attention or approval from busy or demanding parents is through constant achievement. This can develop into the Hyper-Achiever saboteur in adulthood, where the person feels a constant need to perform and achieve to feel self-respect, even at the expense of well-being and relationships.
Recently, I have been struggling as a Coach wondering why my amazing coaching conversations with some of my coachees suddenly hit a roadblock.ย Everything seems to be wonderful during the first 4 to 5 sessions.ย People come to me to improve their lives.ย They are highly motivated to make a change when signing up for my 10 week coaching program.
But then around the fifth session something changes.ย The coachees are not doing the Actions they agreed on, or suddenly life gets in their way, or they just donโt come to the session, or quit the program.ย ย
What is happening?
There has been lots of research done on this subject.ย I already wrote about this in my article โWhyย Aren't We Taking Action?โย Today, I like to look at this again but from a different lens and I am using the research summary by "Shirzad Chamine", who also wrote a book about this topic.ย Note that this topic is not new and has been discussed by Eckhard Tolle in the 1980s.
He calls them the Saboteur.ย These saboteurs are not external adversaries but rather ingrained patterns of thought, feeling, and reaction that, despite their origins in a primal need for survival, actively undermine our well-being, hinder our potential, and sabotage our happiness.ย Understanding these unseen architects of self-sabotage is the crucial first step towards dismantling their power and cultivating a more positive and effective inner landscape.ย The framework created by Shirzad characterizes 10 Saboteurs.
At the heart of this internal resistance lies the Judge, the master saboteur.ย This pervasive inner critic acts as a relentless fault-finder, casting judgment upon ourselves, others, and the circumstances that surround us.ย Its voice, often internalized to the point of being unconsciously accepted as truth, fuels a constant stream of negativity, breeding feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and anxiety.ย The Judge's pronouncements set the stage for its 9ย accomplice saboteurs, each with its own style and motivation of derailing our progress and diminishing our joy.ย ย
One such accomplice is the Avoider, who, in a misguided attempt to maintain a semblance of peace, steers clear of difficult conversations, challenging tasks, and uncomfortable realities.ย While seemingly promoting harmony, this avoidance ultimately leads to stagnation, unresolved conflicts, and a failure to confront necessary growth opportunities.ย ย
Similarly, the Controller, driven by an underlying anxiety and a desperate need for predictability, attempts to exert dominion over situations and the actions of others.ย This incessant need for control breeds impatience, frustration, and strained relationships, as the inherent unpredictability of life inevitably clashes with their rigid expectations.ย ย
In the realm of achievement and self-worth, we encounter the Hyper-Achiever.ย This saboteur mistakenly equates self-respect with constant performance and external validation.ย Successes, once attained, are quickly dismissed as insufficient, fueling an insatiable need for more, leading to burnout and a persistent feeling of never being "enough."
Complementing this is the Hyper-Rational, who prioritizes logic and intellectual analysis to an extreme, often at the expense of emotional connection and empathy.ย Their detached approach can be perceived as cold, uncaring, and even arrogant, hindering meaningful relationships and a holistic understanding of human experience.ย ย
The saboteur of constant worry and anticipation of danger is the Hyper-Vigilant.ย This internal alarm system is perpetually on high alert, scanning for potential threats and fueling a state of chronic anxiety.ย This relentless vigilance drains mental energy and prevents one from fully engaging in the present moment.ย ย
Then there is the Pleaser, who seeks validation and affection through acts of service and appeasement, often neglecting their own needs and boundaries in the process.ย This self-sacrificing behavior can lead to resentment and a diminished sense of self-worth.ย ย
Further populating this internal cast are the Restless, forever seeking the next source of excitement or distraction, unable to find contentment in the present.ย This constant yearning for something "more" prevents the cultivation of inner peace and the appreciation of current blessings.ย ย
The Stickler, with their unwavering commitment to perfectionism and order taken to an unhealthy extreme, experiences significant anxiety when faced with imperfection or disarray.ย This relentless pursuit of flawlessness often leads to procrastination, self-criticism, and a stifling of creativity.ย ย
Finally, the Victim employs emotionality and a focus on suffering as a means of gaining attention and affection.ย This tendency towards martyrdom and dwelling on negative feelings can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of unhappiness and hinder personal action.ย ย
Collectively, these saboteurs form a powerful internal coalition that actively works against our best interests.ย They cloud our judgment, amplify negative emotions, and limit our ability to tap into our inherent strengths and wisdom.ย Their influence can manifest in various aspects of our lives, from hindering professional success and straining personal relationships to diminishing overall well-being and preventing the experience of genuine happiness.ย ย
This insightย lies not in demonizing these internal voices but in recognizing them for what they are:ย outdated survival mechanisms that no longer serve us in our adult lives.ย By bringing these saboteurs into conscious awareness, we begin the process of weakening their grip.ย We learn to identify their characteristic thought patterns and emotional signatures, recognizing them as transient mental events rather than immutable truths.
The journey towards weakening the saboteurs is in cultivating our universal wisdom that embodies five core powers: empathy, gratitude, curiosity, innovation, and the ability to take purposeful action aligned with our values.ย ย
By consciously shifting our internal dialogue towards these positive capacities, we gradually diminish the power of the saboteurs and cultivate a more resilient, optimistic, and effective inner landscape.ย ย
Ultimately, understanding and unmasking our internal saboteurs is not about eradicating negative thoughts entirely, but about learning to recognize them, disarm their power, and consciously choose a more positive and empowering way of navigating the complexities of life.ย This internal shift paves the way for greater fulfillment, stronger relationships, and the realization of our full potential.
What can we do to disarm our saboteurs? ย ย
Learning to identify and then gently redirect.ย Here are several effective strategies we can employ:
Name and Identify Your Saboteurs:ย The very first step is to become aware of these internal voices.ย Give each of your dominant saboteurs a name.ย This act of labeling helps to externalize them, making them feel less like an inherent part of you and more like separate, identifiable patterns.ย Start noticing when they show up โ What triggers them?ย What areย their characteristic thoughts and feelings?
Listen Without Judgment:ย Once you identify a saboteur at work, try to observe it without immediately judging or criticizing yourself for having it.ย Remember, these patterns likely developed as coping mechanisms.ย Simply acknowledge its presence and the message it's trying to convey, however unhelpful it may be now.
Challenge Their Lies:ย Saboteurs often operate on distorted or negative beliefs.ย Once you recognize a saboteur's message, question its validity.ย Ask yourself:
Is this thought actually true? What's the evidence for and against it?
What's the worst that could realistically happen?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
Is this thought helpful or hindering me?
Shift Your Focus to the Sage:ย The antidote to the saboteur is your inner Sage, which embodies positive intelligence.ย Practice accessing the five Wisdom powers:
Empathy: Show compassion towards yourself and others, understanding that everyone struggles.
Gratitude: Actively appreciate the good things in your life, big and small.
Curiosity: Approach situations with a sense of wonder and a desire to learn, rather than judgment.
Innovation: Brainstorm new possibilities and solutions, moving away from rigid thinking.
Purposeful Action: Align your actions with your values and what truly matters to you.
Practice 10 second sensation to focusย your mind: These are short, simple exercises designed to quiet the saboteurs and activate your Sage brain.ย Start doing those as soon as you wake up.ย Examples include:
Focusing on physical sensations: Notice the feeling of your feet on the ground, the air on your skin, or the sounds around you for 10 seconds, etc.
Deep breathing: Take a slow, deep breath in and out, paying attention to the rise and fall of your chest or abdomen.
Mental imagery: Visualize a calming or positive scene for a few moments.
Do these frequently throughout the day (aim for 100 per day in small bursts) to build mental muscle.
Reframe Negative Thoughts: When a saboteur thought arises, consciously try to reframe it in a more positive or neutral light.ย For example, instead of "I failed, I'm such an idiot" (Judge), try "That didn't go as planned.ย What can I learn from this?" (Sage/Curiosity).
Set Boundaries with Your Saboteurs: Just like you would with a persistent and negative person, learn to set boundaries with your saboteurs.ย Acknowledge their presence, but don't engage in lengthy conversations with them.ย Gently redirect your attention back to the present moment or a more positive thought.
Visualize Your Saboteurs: Some people find it helpful to visualize their saboteurs as distinct characters โ perhaps a nagging critic, a fearful worrier, or a restless fidgeter.ย This can further help in externalizing them and making their influence feel less overwhelming.ย You can even imagine them shrinking or losing their power as you become more aware of them.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember that everyone has saboteurs.ย Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on disarming them.ย There will be times when they feel stronger, and that's okay.ย Just keep practicing.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: The Judge and Stickler saboteurs often thrive on perfectionism.ย Shift your focus to making progress and learning along the way, rather than demanding flawless outcomes.ย Celebrate small victories.
Disarming your saboteurs is an ongoing process that requires awareness, practice, and self-compassion.ย By consistently applying these strategies, you can gradually weaken their influence and cultivate a more positive, empowered, and fulfilling inner experience.
Summary
The saboteurs, as outlined by "Shirzad Chamine", are the internal voices and thought patterns that generate negative emotions and undermine our well-being and effectiveness.ย They are habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and reacting that developed as survival mechanisms in childhood but become self-defeating in adulthood.
There is one "Master Saboteur" called the Judge, which criticizes ourselves, others, and circumstances.ย It fuels the other nine accomplice saboteurs:
The Judge: As the master saboteur, it finds fault with yourself, others, and situations.ย It constantly criticizes and generates negative emotions like anger, disappointment, and anxiety.
The Avoider: This saboteur focuses on the positive and pleasant to an extreme, avoiding difficult tasks, conflicts, and unpleasant realities.
The Controller: Driven by anxiety, this saboteur has a need to take charge and control situations and people's actions.ย They become impatient and anxious when they can't be in control.
The Hyper-Achiever: This saboteur is dependent on constant performance and achievement for self-respect and validation, quickly discounting past successes and needing more.
The Hyper-Rational: This saboteur intensely focuses on the rational processing of everything, including relationships, often appearing uncaring, unfeeling, or intellectually arrogant.
The Hyper-Vigilant: This saboteur experiences continuous intense anxiety about potential dangers and what could go wrong, leading to a state of constant worry.
The Pleaser: This saboteur indirectly tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others, often losing sight of their own needs and becoming resentful.
The Restless: Constantly seeking greater excitement in the next activity or constant busyness, this saboteur is rarely at peace or content with the current moment.ย ย
The Stickler: This saboteur embodies perfectionism and a need for order and organization taken to an unhealthy extreme, causing anxiety in the pursuit of flawlessness.
The Victim: This saboteur is emotional and temperamental as a way to gain attention and affection, with an extreme focus on internal feelings, particularly painful ones, and a tendency towards martyrdom.
Understanding these saboteurs is the first step in weakening their influence and strengthening your positive intelligence.ย By recognizing these patterns, you can begin to challenge their negative messages and shift towards a more positive and effective mindset.
We often find ourselves clinging to invisible rulebooks, meticulously crafted expectations dictating how others should behave. ย These "Handbooks," are not formal documents but rather deeply ingrained beliefs about how people ought to act to ensure our happiness. ย However, these self-written manuals, rarely shared and often unrealistic, become sources of profound frustration and emotional turmoil.ย ย ย
The Illusion of Control
The core problem with Handbooks lies in their fundamental premise: ย that we can control the behavior of others to achieve our desired emotional state. ย We construct elaborate narratives of how our partners, friends, family, and colleagues should act, believing that their adherence to these rules will guarantee our happiness. ย This belief, however, is a dangerous illusion because all people have the ability and freedom to behave however they would like. ย We cannot force others to conform to our expectations, and attempting to do so only leads to resentment, conflict, and a sense of powerlessness.ย ย
The Handbook is essentially a form of emotional manipulation. ย We tie our emotional well-being to the actions of others, creating a system where their behavior dictates our feelings. ย When they deviate from our prescribed rules, we experience negative emotions, blaming them for our unhappiness. ย This externalization of emotional responsibility renders us powerless, as our happiness becomes contingent on the actions of individuals we cannot control.ย ย
The Pitfalls of Need-Based Relationships
When we expect others to meet our needs, we create a dependency that fosters resentment and power struggles. ย This dynamic places an unfair burden on the other person, who is expected to navigate our emotional landscape while managing their own. ย Moreover, it undermines our own capacity for self-sufficiency, preventing us from developing the resilience and inner resources necessary for emotional well-being.ย ย
We are responsible for meeting our own needs! ย This shift empowers us to cultivate emotional independence, freeing ourselves from the constraints of external validation.ย ย
Reclaiming Emotional Responsibility
The alternative to the Handbook is a profound shift in perspective:ย ย relinquishing the illusion of control and embracing personal responsibility for our emotional well-being. ย This entails acknowledging that our feelings are not determined by the actions of others, but rather by our own thoughts and interpretations.ย ย
I propose a three-step process for dismantling the Handbook:
Identify the Handbooks: ย Begin by recognizing the individuals for whom we have created these invisible rulebooks. ย Reflect on the specific behaviors we expect from them and the reasons behind these expectations.ย ย
Uncover the Underlying Emotions: ย Analyze the emotions we anticipate experiencing when others adhere to our Handbooks. ย Recognize that these desired feelings are not contingent on external behavior but rather on our own internal narratives.ย ย
Embrace Emotional Autonomy: ย ย Choose to cultivate the desired emotions independently, regardless of others' actions. ย This involves challenging our negative thought patterns and consciously choosing thoughts that foster positive feelings.ย ย
This process requires a conscious effort to detach our emotional well-being from the actions of others. ย It involves recognizing that we are not entitled to dictate how others behave and that their choices do not reflect our worth or value.ย ย
Request vs. Demand,ย navigating Relationships with Clarity and Compassion
There is a differenceย between making a request or issuing a demand. ย Requests are expressions of our desires, communicated with clarity and respect, without attaching emotional strings. ย Demands, on the other hand, are veiled attempts to control others, often accompanied by emotional manipulation.ย ย
Making requests is a healthy and essential part of communication.ย It allows us to express our needs and preferences without imposing them on others. ย However, we must be prepared to accept that our requests may not always be honored. ย When this occurs, we must take responsibility for our own emotional response, rather than blaming the other person.ย ย
Here are three examples that come to my mind.
Your child is not doing the homework the way you would like to get it done. ย So you demand โYou need to have your homework finished before you can go to soccer training otherwise you stay home.โ ย Do you hear the person saying the demand?ย What is the sound of her voice? ย Or you can give a request to your kid saying โI would really appreciate it if you could take work on your homework this afternoon.ย I have time to help you between 4:30 and 5:30. Remember you have soccer practice tonight." ย Do you hear the person saying the request? What is the sound of his voice?
Often we are already annoyed or frustrated and then we jump quickly to a demand.ย My friend had given his Mom the key to take care of his place when he was gone.ย So far so good.ย But she also came over and let herself in when he was home.ย This of course made him mad since he felt his boundary was being violated.ย What way of telling his Mom do you think is better?ย Demand:ย โGive me the key back and leave the house now!โ ย Or request:ย โMom, I appreciate you taking care of the house.ย However, I do not like it when you come unannounced and let you in when I am home.ย Therefore, I would appreciate it if you stop doing that.ย If not, I will ask you to return the key.โ
I have a friend who was always late to our appointments.ย So, I arrived at the coffee shop on time and then I was waiting and waiting and waiting until he finally showed up.ย This started to bug me a lot and I pondered on how to tell him while keeping the friendship.ย Demand:ย โI want you to be on time otherwise we canโt meet anymore!โย Or Request:ย โI enjoy our friendship.ย However, I do not like that you are always late.ย Therefore, I will wait for 15 minutes and then leave.โ
The Key Differences between a Demand and a Request are:
Choice:ย A Demand implies a lack of choice, while a Request offers choice.
Tone:ย Demands can be forceful or even aggressive, while Requests are typically polite and respectful.ย ย
Expectation:ย Demands often carry an expectation of compliance, while Requests acknowledge the possibility of refusal.
Emotional impact:ย Demands can cause negative emotional responses, while Requests promote positive interaction.
Understanding Others' Motivations
One of the most transformative aspects of dismantling the Handbook is the ability to understand others from their perspective. ย By relinquishing our preconceived notions and actively listening to their experiences, we gain valuable insights into their motivations and behaviors.ย ย
This shift in perspective highlights the importance of empathy and open communication in fostering healthy relationships. ย By seeking to understand others' motivations, we can break free from the constraints of our own Handbooks and cultivate deeper connections.ย ย
Building Relationships Based on Authenticity and Acceptance
Ultimately, dismantling the Handbook is about creating relationships based on authenticity and acceptance. ย It involves embracing others for who they are, rather than trying to mold them into our ideal versions. ย This approach fosters genuine connection, reduces conflict, and promotes emotional well-being.ย ย
By relinquishing our Handbooks, we create space for others to be themselves, allowing them to express their individuality without fear of judgment or manipulation. ย This freedom fosters trust and intimacy, strengthening the bonds of our relationships.ย ย
Furthermore, dismantling the Handbook allows us to focus our energy on cultivating our own emotional well-being. ย Instead of investing time and effort in trying to control others, we can redirect our attention to self-care, personal growth, and creating a fulfilling life for ourselves.ย ย
The Key Takeaways are:
Handbooks are instruction books for others: ย They dictate how we believe others should behave in order for us to feel happy.ย ย
We tie our emotions to others' compliance: ย When people don't follow our Handbooks, we feel upset, disappointed, or even angry.ย ย
We are responsible for our own happiness: ย Our feelings are ultimately created by our thoughts, not by others' behavior.ย ย
We cannot control others: ย Trying to control others is a recipe for frustration and powerlessness.ย ย
Let go of the Handbooks: ย Release your expectations for how others should behave and focus on managing your own thoughts and emotions.ย ย
Make requests, not demands: ย It's okay to make requests of others, but don't tie your happiness to their compliance.ย ย
Understand others' perspectives: ย Seek to understand why people behave the way they do, rather than judging them based on your Handbook.ย ย
How to Apply This:
Identify your Handbooks: ย Reflect on the people in your life for whom you have Handbooks. ย What do you expect of them?
Challenge your expectations: ย Ask yourself why you believe you are entitled to have others behave in a certain way.ย ย
Take responsibility for your feelings: ย Recognize that your feelings are created by your thoughts, not by others' behavior.ย ย
Let go of control: ย Allow others to be who they are, without trying to change them.ย ย
Focus on yourself: ย Invest your energy in creating the best life for yourself, independent of others' behavior.ย Focus on yourself
Have you ever felt that someone is constantly stepping over your boundaries? And you do not know what to do?
Thatโs how exactly Matthew felt.ย He did not know how to talk to his Mom to set boundaries.ย Every time he talked to her both left the room very upset.ย In the end nothing ever changed.
Maybe you can relate?
Today, I am exploring the fundamental concept of boundaries as a tool for self-protection and a pathway to genuine intimacy. ย Boundaries are not about controlling others, but rather about defining and safeguarding your own emotional, physical, and mental space.ย Just as a physical property has clear lines, individuals must establish clear internal boundaries to ensure their well-being.
The core principle is that boundaries are personal and they are set for oneself, not imposed on others. ย Without clear boundaries, others are left unaware of potential violations, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. ย Common, often unspoken, boundaries include physical safety (e.g., not tolerating physical assault) and verbal respect (e.g., not tolerating yelling).ย However, these boundaries must be consciously defined and articulated when necessary.
A boundary is essentially a clear request coupled with a defined consequence, which is an action the individual will take, not a demand for the other person's behavior to change.ย And herein lies the problem many of us have. ย We expect for the other person to change their behavior and of course they donโt and this makes us frustrated and upset.
Letโs look at an example to illustrate the point:
Matthewโs Mom had the spare key to his house.ย He traveled often for work and his Mom took care of the house while he was gone.ย She was watering the flowers, got the mail, let the cleaning people in and did some cleaning in the house herself.ย So far so good.
But she also came unannounced to attend the flowers in the garden when my Mathew was home.ย He did not like it but it was his Mom, right.ย So he didnโt say anything to her.ย What got him really upset was when his Mom let herself into the house while he was home.ย That really rubbed him the wrong way.ย But what to do? He tried to talk to her but she did not change her behavior.ย And so Matthew kept tolerating it.
Then he met a woman and he started dating her.ย Now, it became really uncomfortable for him having his Mom over unannounced, especially when she let herself into the house.ย At the end Matthew asked her to return the house key and she got very upset.ย Now we have three people that are upset.ย The Mom blames the girlfriend for manipulating her son.ย The son blames his Mom for not respecting his privacy.ย And the girlfriend is upset that Matthew put her into a situation that makes her look bad to her maybe future mother in law.
Instead Matthew should have had coffee with his Mom way before the girlfriend came into play.ย He should have made the following request:ย โMom, I really appreciate helping me out when I am not home and on a business trip.ย However, what I do not like is that you come over unannounced to work in my garden or let yourself into the house.ย Therefore, I would like you to tell me if you would like to come over.ย If you come unannounced to my house and let yourself in or be in the yard I will ask you to return the key.โ
The hard part is not to make the request but to follow through with the consequences.
It's crucial to distinguish between boundary violations and personal preferences.ย Requests like "I wish my son would take out the garbage" or "I wish my friend would call me back" are not boundary issues.
Boundaries are only relevant when someone infringes upon one's personal space or rights.ย ย
Setting boundaries requires clear communication of requests and unwavering follow-through on consequences.ย The difficulty lies in the emotional labor of enforcing these consequences, particularly with loved ones.ย However, failing to do so leads to resentment and relationship strain.ย Establishing boundaries, even at the risk of temporary conflict, ultimately fosters healthier, more authentic relationships.
Key principles for effective boundary setting include:
Clarity: Define boundaries clearly and communicate them directly.
Consistency: Follow through on consequences to reinforce boundaries.
Love: Set boundaries from a place of self-respect and care, not anger or resentment.
Self-Responsibility: Acknowledge that boundaries are about protecting oneself, not changing others.
Misusing boundaries to manipulate or control others, or using them as an excuse to eliminate people from one's life, undermines their purpose.ย Instead, boundaries should facilitate honest communication and deeper connection.ย Difficult relationships can be opportunities for growth and learning, provided clear boundaries are in place.
Ultimately, boundaries are essential tools for self-care and relationship integrity.ย They create space for genuine interaction, reduce resentment, and promote a sense of personal power.ย By honoring one's own needs and communicating them clearly, individuals can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Key takeaways
Boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships and setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and love. ย It's important to be clear, consistent, and compassionate when setting and enforcing boundaries. ย Sometimes this is hard but boundaries can lead to greater intimacy and authenticity in relationships.
Boundaries are NOT about controlling others.ย They are about protecting and taking care of yourself.ย ย ย
They are the limits you set for what you will tolerate and expose yourself to.
A boundary is a clear request of someone else with a clear consequence that you will enact.
Why are boundaries important?
They prevent resentment and frustration from building up in relationships.
They allow for true intimacy and honesty.
They empower you to take responsibility for your own well-being.
How to set effective boundaries:
Be clear: Define your boundaries clearly for yourself and others.
Follow through: Enforce the consequences of boundary violations consistently.
Act from love: Set boundaries from a place of love and respect, not anger or resentment.
Take responsibility: Own your boundaries and don't blame others for violating them.
Be willing to risk the relationship: Sometimes, setting boundaries may lead to conflict or distance, but it is essential for maintaining your own integrity.
I have worked with clients that are stuck and are unable to achieve what they really want.ย They donโt achieve their dreams because they don't want to fail.ย They tell me, "I have a fear of failure," and I ask them "What does it mean? What are you afraid of?ย They look at me and say "I've never really thought about what I am exactly afraid of.
So what is failure anyway?
The dictionary defines failure as:ย โFailure is the omission of an expected or required actionโ.ย It simply means that something did not go as planned or did not meet a certain expectation.ย ย
However, the meaning of failure is subjectiveโit only carries negative weight if we assign it that significance. Instead of seeing failure as a personal flaw or defeat, it can be viewed as a learning opportunity and a natural part of growth.
The real issue isnโt failure itself but how we interpret itโour reaction is entirely within our control.
Most people avoid setting high expectations to prevent the risk of failure, which leads to stagnation and a lack of personal growth. The real issue isnโt failure itself but how we interpret it.ย Our reaction is entirely within our control.
Why do people avoid failure?
Many people avoid failure by avoiding expectations.ย They keep their expectations low and stay within their comfort zones to avoid the possibility of failing.
The real reason we avoid failure is to avoid negative emotions.ย We fear the disappointment, shame, or other negative feelings we might experience when we fail.
However, most people avoid setting high expectations to prevent the risk of failure, which leads to stagnation and a lack of personal growth. The real issue isnโt failure itself but how we interpret itโour reaction is entirely within our control.
This is a learned behavior people have picked up in their lives.
Why is it so important to fail?
Without failure we do not develop, literally. Here is a great example.
Children learn to walk by failing a lot. They have some epic fails just watch America's Funnies Videos.ย But they continue to try and parents are excited and encourage them to continue to try. They are falling down so often because they do not have the strength and muscles that they need for walking.ย Those develop during the process and soon they can walk.
Now they can walk and have the abdominal muscles to do so.ย What are kids doing next?ย Right, they are starting to talk because walking gives them their abdominal muscles to do so.ย
What I find fascinating is that overcoming failure is a process that leads to a result and to a new level of being that has prepared us for our next adventure in life.
Checklist on โHow to Failโ
We have control over our reactions to failure.
We can choose to interpret failure in a way that doesn't hurt us, but instead motivates us to learn and grow.ย That is easier said then done for many of us since patterns run deep and take a while to change.ย A good coach can help.
Success is acquired through failure.
The more we fail, the more we learn and the better we become at meeting our expectations.ย So go out there and do something new or different and rephrase your expectations โFailure isnโt just an obstacleโitโs a stepping stoneโ.
Confidence comes from willingness to fail.
Being willing to fail in front of others demonstrates confidence in our ability to learn and grow.ย โWhat about finding an accountability partner?โ and to talk with that person.ย Tell him/her that you are trying something new and that you are willing to fail but need someone that reminds you that you want to grow and try something different.ย Of course a coach can help here.
Practice failure as a skill.
Embracing failure and viewing it as a learning opportunity can lead to greater confidence and success.ย What about journaling about your tries and failures aka learnings that you have experienced on the way?
Distinguish between different types of failure.
Failure outside your comfort zone through risk-taking is valuable, while failure from not showing up or sabotaging yourself is not.ย Show up, just do it even if it turns out not the way you have imagined.ย Often it turns out even better and you can celebrate and be proud about your step into the unknown.
Avoid using confusion or indecision to avoid failure.
These can be smoke screens that prevent us from taking action and learning from our mistakes. Using confusion or indecision as a way to avoid failure is a hidden form of self-sabotage. Instead of making a choice and taking action, some people sometimes linger in uncertainty, over-analyzing or waiting for the "perfect" momentโwhen in reality, clarity comes from action, not hesitation.
Avoiding decisions out of fear of failure only leads to stagnation, while taking risksโeven imperfect onesโcreates opportunities for growth and learning. Success isnโt about always being right; itโs about moving forward, adapting, and improving along the way.
Embrace failure and celebrate your "fails".
View failures as badges of honor and opportunities for growth.
Embracing failure and celebrating "fails" isn't about glorifying incompetence, but rather about shifting our perspective to recognize the inherent value in setbacks. Each perceived failure offers a unique opportunity for growth, providing invaluable lessons that success alone cannot impart. By acknowledging and analyzing our missteps, we gain deeper insights into our weaknesses and refine our strategies for future endeavors. Celebrating these "fails" signifies a commitment to resilience, fostering a mindset where challenges become stepping stones rather than insurmountable obstacles. This approach encourages experimentation, innovation, and ultimately, a more robust and adaptable path to success.
Today's topic isย โNegative Emotionsโ. This post is a follow-up to my previous titled โHow To Feel Better.โ
Owning and accepting negative emotions as a crucial part of living a full and happy life.ย
Many people have the misconception that life coaching is solely about fostering positive emotions.ย However, I emphasize that experiencing negative emotions is a natural and essential part of life, rather than something to be avoided or resisted.ย True happiness isnโt the absence of negativity but rather the ability to embrace both positive and negative emotions as part of the human experience.
Social Media often pressures people to appear happy, to share curated versions of our lives, emphasizing highlights over struggles.ย This creates an illusion that everyone else is constantly happy, successful, and thriving, leading to a "happiness pressure" where people feel the need to present a positive image, even if they are struggling.
As a Dad I experience how deep love and joy are intrinsically linked to fear and pain, reinforcing that emotional contrast gives meaning to happiness.ย ย
I propose that a fulfilling life involves a balance of positive and negative emotions, suggesting that we may be meant to experience each about 50% of the time.ย
But many of us have learned to suppress those negative emotions and so many of us have become numb to those.ย However, by allowing and processing ALL emotions, we can become more connected to ourselves, take courageous action, and live more fully.
Resisting emotions only intensifies them, whereas embracing them as a natural part of the human experience helps them pass more quickly.ย
I believe that it is important to allow oneself to fully experience negative emotions rather than resisting or avoiding them. By dedicating time daily to acknowledge and feel emotions like shame, sadness, or disappointment without judgment, one develops emotional awareness and resilience.ย
What steps can we take to better handle negative emotions?
Learn to feel your negative emotions. ย
Just observe them and write them down. Use your phone since it is always with you anyway.
Embrace the contrast.
Life includes both positive and negative emotions.ย Therefore, I suggest that you also observe and write down your positive emotions.ย
Do Daily (if possible).
Set aside time to allow yourself to reflect and to experience negative emotions without judgment.ย Where in your body do you feel it?
Practice and be patient with yourself since it will not be so easy at the beginning.ย Afterwards take some time to also reflect and experience the positive emotions, so that we do not slip into depression or anxiety.ย Again, where in your body do you feel it?
Own your emotions.
Recognize that you are creating your emotions with your thoughts. Take responsibility for them.
Don't react to your emotions.
Allow yourself to feel negative emotions without lashing out or letting them control your behavior.
This post is a follow-up to my previous one about Anxiety, and expands on that topic.
๐ข๐๐ฟ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ด๐ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฐ๐๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฏ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐น๐ฑ, ๐ฏ๐๐ ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฏ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ถ๐.ย This is good news but hard to accept for many of us since our world of social media and commercials tell us otherwise. โ๐๐ถ๐บ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ, ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ, ๐ฆ๐ต๐ค.โ It is an outside-in approach but true happiness comes from the inside and radiates outwards.
๐๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐ถ๐ป๐ณ๐น๐๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ฟ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฟ๐ฐ๐๐บ๐๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ๐.ย We cannot change the past, we cannot change people (sad but true), and we cannot change world politics. However, we react to those circumstances thrown at us. They always trigger a thought and what we are thinking then creates a feeling.ย ๐ง๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ด๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ถ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ. We can choose to focus on thoughts that generate happiness and other positive emotions.ย
๐๐๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐๐น๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ป'๐ ๐ฎ๐น๐๐ฎ๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐. There are times when other emotions, such as sadness or grief, are appropriate and necessary in order to move us forward.
๐ช๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐๐ผ๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ ๐๐ผ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐?
Here are a few ideas of mine that may assist you. Careful, they require some work on your part and a journal or Notes app, some place to write things down quickly when they come up.
๐๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐ณ๐ ๐๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐๐ผ๐ฝ ๐๐ต๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ด๐ ๐ฑ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐๐ฟ๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ฎ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ธ:
Pay attention to the emotions you experience, name them and write them down. Find the three emotions that dominated your week. The second part is to look at them and to reflect on what thought has triggered that particular emotion. For most of us this is hard, since it is something we have never done. It takes some practice and we All get better with practice over time. Just ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" and "What thought is causing this feeling?"
๐ฃ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐: The more we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, the more comfortable we become with them.
๐๐ต๐ผ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น๐ถ๐ป๐ด๐ ๐๐ผ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ: Decide which emotions you want to experience more regularly and focus on thoughts that generate those feelings.
๐ฅ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฒ๐บ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฝ๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น. ๐
So, what is anxiety?
It is defined as a feeling of generalized worry, fear, apprehension, or nervousness.ย
Anxiety is often aย "cover emotion" that is vague and unspecific, a secondary emotion that acts as a protective layer to shield us from experiencing the deeper feeling, usually a more vulnerable or uncomfortable, underlying emotion.ย ย
It is a natural and normal human response that has helped us human beings to survive in the past using either fight or flight.ย We all have to cope with anxiety in our lives but hopefully not too often.
Why do we experience anxiety?
While it once served us by alerting us to danger, we now experience anxiety in situations that are not life-threatening (work, family, health, etc.).ย For example, for about 9 months after my cancer operation anxiety attacks primarily at night.ย I believe because I realized my morality.ย I took action to rethink and change my lifestyle.ย
Our reaction to anxiety (tensing up, fight-or-flight mode) is what causes problems, not the anxiety itself.
How to overcome anxiety?
Anxiety is not fun and is very limiting in living fulfilled.ย Here is what I have learned coping with anxiety and what has assisted me.
(1) Recognize and name it: Acknowledge that you are feeling anxious.
(2) Choose active acceptance: Instead of resisting, reacting, or avoiding, choose to accept the anxiety.ย Here are some techniques for active acceptance:
Breathe: Focus on slow, deep breaths, particularly exhaling completely.
Thought download: Write down your thoughts to identify what is causing anxiety.
Describe anxiety: Describe the physical sensations of anxiety in detail.
Experiment: Try different things, e.g.: go for walks, go exercise, write in your journal, sign up for a cooking class, make a 5 year life plan, etc, and see what will decrease the anxiety.
Get Coaching:ย Find a Transformational Life Coach and get some coaching.
Some of my clients are amazed.ย What, wait a minute...ย Often they are very skeptical about this simple model of "How our Human Brain works". There are Circumstances we cannot change --> our Thoughts to those Circumstance that we have control over --> Our Thoughts create Feelings -->ย Those will lead us to Actions and therefore to Results. ย Simple, right?ย Yes, but managing our Thoughts is the challenge. I am here to assist you, sign up for a Free 60 minute Coaching Session. ย
The pervasive frustration of wanting to take action but feeling unable to do so is a common human experience. Whether it's adhering to healthy eating habits, establishing an exercise routine, building a business, or simply responding with kindness, many individuals find themselves stuck in a cycle of inaction despite their sincere desires. The root cause of this struggle lies not in external circumstances or a lack of inherent motivation, but rather in the intricate interplay between our thoughts, feelings, and actions. By understanding this fundamental relationship individuals can gain profound insight into their patterns of behavior and ultimately pave the way for meaningful and sustainable change.
The Self-Coaching Model posits a clear and powerful framework for understanding human behavior. It begins with the recognition that circumstances, the external events and realities of our lives, are largely beyond our control. These include other people's actions, past events, and the general state of the world. While we often fixate on these uncontrollable elements, the model emphasizes that the remaining components of our experience โ our thoughts, feelings, actions, and results โ are entirely within our domain of influence.1
The crucial link in this chain is the relationship between thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts, the constant stream of sentences running through our minds, are the direct creators of our feelings. Every emotion we experience, from joy and motivation to apathy and frustration, stems from the thoughts we are having, often subconsciously. This understanding is pivotal because all of our actions are ultimately driven by the desire to feel a certain way. We either act to create positive feelings or to avoid negative ones. Therefore, if we want to understand why we are or are not taking action, we must first examine the feelings that precede that action (or inaction) and then trace those feelings back to the underlying thoughts.
The challenge lies in the fact that most individuals are not consciously aware of their own thought patterns. Our minds, often described as unsupervised toddlers, can run rampant with ingrained beliefs, past experiences, and negative self-talk.2 These un-examined thoughts generate feelings that then dictate our actions, often leading to undesired results. For instance, the individual struggling to exercise might be harboring the thought "it won't matter anyway," leading to feelings of apathy and consequently, inaction. Similarly, overeating might be fueled by anxieties rooted in scarcity mindsets developed in childhood.
Attempting to change our actions without addressing the underlying thoughts and feelings is akin to battling against a strong current. We might exert willpower to force ourselves into a new behavior, but without shifting the emotional landscape driven by our thoughts, this change is likely to be unsustainable and fraught with struggle. The example of the smoker who instantly quits upon receiving a serious diagnosis powerfully illustrates this point. The change in their circumstances triggers a profound shift in their thoughts and feelings about smoking, effortlessly leading to a change in their actions.
Therefore, the first step towards taking conscious action is cultivating self-awareness โ learning to observe our own minds and identify the thoughts that are generating our feelings. This requires a degree of separation from our thoughts, a shift into an "observer mode," akin to a mindful awareness practice. Initially, this process might reveal a barrage of negative or unhelpful thoughts, which can be overwhelming. However, the key is to approach these discoveries with compassion and curiosity, rather than judgment and self-criticism.
Understanding why we are thinking certain thoughts, even if they seem illogical on the surface, is crucial. Often, these thoughts have roots in past experiences or learned patterns that once served a purpose.3 By acknowledging and understanding these origins, we can begin to disentangle ourselves from their automatic influence. We cannot effectively change what we do not understand.
In conclusion, the inability to take action is not a sign of inherent weakness or a lack of desire. Instead, it is a consequence of the thoughts we are thinking, which create the feelings that drive our behavior. By consciously observing our thought patterns with compassion and curiosity, we can begin to understand the emotional landscape that dictates our actions. This understanding is the foundational step towards intentional change. True and lasting change is not achieved through force or willpower alone, but by gently guiding our thoughts and cultivating the feelings that naturally lead to the actions we desire. The journey begins with self-awareness, self-compassion, and the recognition that the power to shape our actions and results lies within the realm of our own minds.ย